Site Network: Submissive Guide | Submissive Journal Prompts | Dominant Guide | Kinky Blogging | My Blog |

Essay Collection

Hundreds of the most informative essays have been hand-picked for depth of knowledge and varied opinions with new and seasoned practitioners in mind. A wide range of topics are available for you to explore. Donations are always open so submit your essay to The Iron Gate for consideration!

Email to a Friend    Print Essay    Save to Computer

"My Way or the Highway"

Author: kaela

Filed in: needs, wants, compromise, balance, expectations

As a submissive, I have needs and wants. While it may be difficult to distinguish between the two, I know what makes me tick and what makes me happy.

And for me, submitting to my master, pleasing him, surrendering to his will plays a large factor in this. It is not codependence, but rather an extension of my being as a submissive. To feel worthy in my submission, I need to have worth and value in master's eyes. For what is my gift worth if he discards it? Or if he pays no mind to it?

Hearkening back to a recent comment I found, this one in particular struck me as off: "I have reached a point in my life where I no longer feel the need to pander to the ideologies and expectations of my charges, and if they carry bad habits along from previous relationships, then that is a problem that will either be remedied, or it wont. I am who I am, and I am not going to change who I am to fit the mold of a submissive who thinks that they can make demands of me.

I understand the importance of respecting the person, I understand the importance of care and attention, I understand that my submissive needs to feel a certain way in order to remain my submissive, and I will respond to these needs as I see fit. If I am not responsive enough to what they want, so be it."

shakes head This saddens me. D/s is a two way street. It is not just about satisfying the desires of one person, but rather finding a balance between the two. Of course the Dominant will be in control and able to dictate what he does and not want his submissives to be like, he can have an honest opinion. It is after all, a power exchange. HOWEVER, as human beings we are all different. And the Dominant needs to understand that he cannot force people into a rigid mold. The world doesn't work that way. In order for him to receive what he wants, he must also be prepared to listen and understand the needs, wants, and desires of his submissive.

The "my way or the highway" mentality is an extreme one, and often results in much distress on the part of the submissive who may feel as if she cannot ever live up to his expectations; inadequate. Responding "as one sees fit" does not address the primary issue at hand. That requires an IMMENSE amount of trust on the submissive's part to her Dominant, and with the "my way is the only way" mentality- I don't see how that trust can EVER be achieved. Because none of us are exactly alike, and we all possess different desires and opinions. Each of us is unique, and a Dom who does not recognize that in his submissive and attempts to force his mindset upon her will not be respected.

The old saying "you gotta give a little to get a little" never rings truer.

We are never finished growing- it is what makes us human. We must not allow ourselves to become trapped in the mindset that we are done. No, we are never done. Even I at the tender age of 18 recognize that.

With understanding, also comes responsibility. The Dominant is responsible for the well being of his submissive. If he truly understands her needs and wants, then he will not ignore or dismiss them whenever he feels like it, but address them because he cares and values her. After all, it is not just about him. Submissives are not furniture that can be tossed about haphazardly.

And if a Dom breaks his submissive (physically or mentally), it is also his responsibility to provide the care and support she needs, NOT whenever he feels like acknowledging it.

Also: "Free will is free will, and I respect and admire it. The fact that someone is willing to submit their free will to me is what makes the act of submission so profound and beautiful.

Don't submit by half. Submit, or do not submit, there is no middle ground."

Submission is a gift, freely given. I give of my heart, I give of my body, I give of my mind. There are two contradicting statements in this quote and in the excerpt above. How can one say submission is profound and beautiful and then in the same breath remark that his way is the only way? If one truly respects and admires the choice to submit, then he will allow them to do so freely, without any modicum of force. Everyone submits differently, and in time they will grow as property. The Dominant must be willing to explore this aspect and discover the jewel that is his submissive.

And respect must be earned, not demanded. To demand respect is to cheapen one's submission; the foundation of submission is respect and to automatically assume you have attained it is to put shackles on something that cannot be restrained.

Finally this quote sums it up best: "It's VERY sad when it has to come to an all or nothing type of end. :( No slave should have to choose between her NEEDS (not necessarily her wants) and being owned."

Related Essays


Iron Gate Banner Exchange