What Is Male Submission? Author:
elfin ©
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I've heard the question from so many newcomers -- "what does a submissive do?", "what does a Dominant do and wear?" -- that it seemed time to write down my thoughts. If you're new to Dominance and Submission, and possibly looking for someone to play with, this page should be worth your time to read. This is a new document, and a work in progress. Please email me your comments. I especially want to thank Lady Lilith for her valuable feedback on life as a professional dominant. Control and service
That doesn't make him powerless or insecure. Morgan, of SM Odyssey, describes her favorite submissive men as knights, on bended knee, ready to slay dragons for Her. Another dominant, having named her favorite submissive men, wrote I can honestly say that what I like most about all these (non fictional) men is that they are comfortable in who they are, and in owning their inner strength. They are secure in their submissiveness. The things men do There are so many roles for men in BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Submission,
and Masochism) that we should take a moment to wander through the major
categories. FYI: There's debate over whether bottom or submissive is the generic term for one who places themselves under the power of another. For my purposes, I'm describing bottoms as those focused on and desiring physical sensation for themselves, while submissives are focused on providing themselves for another's pleasure. (I won't try to define slave here -- it's just too contentious.) Masochism
Stretching limits
Fetishism
Gender exploration
Being trained
While this list isn't exhaustive (I've left out "ponyplay", for example, since I haven't seen enough of it or talked to enough people to understand it), it covers most of what you'll see on the net and most of what beginners do. I think many men move from sensation play into masochism and perhaps then into submission. What dominants do For everything a submissive loves, there's probably a dominant to match: controlling, sadistic, nurturing, etc. The question, especially for new submissives, is how do I find one and what can I expect? Prodommes It's important to know that most professional dominants do not offer sex as part of the session. They are very careful, for legal and ethical reasons, to distinguish themselves from prostutition (which is illegal.) Finding a pro Some professional dominants work out of their homes, while others work out of established public "dungeons" or clubs (e.g. the Scenery in the San Francisco Bay Area, or Paddles in New York.) There's also Fantasy Makers near San Francisco -- a "playhouse" full of ladies (and a couple of gentlemen) offering various services from wrestling to domination. Contacting her This is also a time to determine if a certain lady is right for you. Prodommes also have limits and you might have to discuss your scene with more than one to find the right fit. If she tells you in the interview that she doesn't do something, she is not going to change her mind later. Always be honest about what you are seeking. If some act is important to your session, tell her up front. You don't want to find out when you arrive that she will not do it, or isn't experienced in it. [Lady Lilith noted: I don't do humiliation, for instance, or at least, not heavy humiliation. You might be surprised at the number of people who forget to mention that heavy humiliation is important to them. ] Negotiation is the most important part of getting a good session. Be clear on your likes, dislikes, wants, needs, and desires. Prodommes are aware and understanding, but they're not mind readers. Please don't just say that you "like to be dominated"; there are hundreds of ways to dominate someone. She needs to know how to dominate you effectively. Are you service oriented? A masochist? If so what implements are your favorites? Is forced crossdressing what floats your boat? Diapers? Spanking? CBT? Humiliation? Goddess worship? Foot fetish? Leather or latex? Don't be shy, she's heard it all before. Experience is important -- you're trusting someone to take control of you, and they have to know what they're doing to make it safe and engaging. If you want an extremely heavy scene, make sure your prodomme knows how to do it (e.g. reading about catheterization on the internet is not likely to make her expert enough to do it safely.) And, caveat emptor: someone claiming to be 20 and very experienced is probably fibbing about one or the other. Clothing If clothing is important to you, make sure you mention it in your presession interview. Otherwise, she may not be wearing a corset, or latex, or thigh high boots, or whatever your fantasy involves. Remember: prodommes are not mind readers. Discretion Money If you are visiting a "house" of domination, then there may be someone available and willing to spend a few moments humiliating you, or watching you, but often, no one is available for that, and if you want someone available for more than a few minutes, you're going to have to pay for their time. Even if no money is asked for, it's polite to offer a tip. Remember, these ladies sell their time ane experience. Your first session She'll probably want to sit and talk with you first, both to get in touch with who you are but also to lay some ground rules and take care of money issues. If there's something that you need to get out in the open before playing, this is the time to do it. At some point, the talk will end and you'll go into the dungeon. Take a deep breath and relax -- you're going for a ride. There may be music, there may be restraints, there may be a blindfold -- all of these will help you let go and fall into the sensations. This is where you get to trust, and let her have control. Be real about what you're feeling (saying ow!, purring, whimpering, and tears are her rewards for playing you like an instrument), but let her have control. You might offer fantasies that come to mind, but unless she asks, let her decide what to do in the moment. [Lady Lilith adds: Topping from the bottom can end the session with some dominants, or else they will tell you not to come back. Most dominants feel that what they are doing is like a symphony, and having you interrupt and demand that she do something different is like someone telling Mozart "too many notes."] After -- there should be a time to cool down, to talk, and come back to earth before you go out the door. Aftercare is important. You've been in an altered state no less real than a deep trance or powerful drugs. Over the next day or so, she may also ask you to "check in" and let her know how you're doing. It also helps to tell her things that did and did not work for you. Let the thoughts and feelings replay gently over the next few days, feel them wind through your dreams, and dream of when you will see her next... Dominants and relationships What does that mean? To start with, the relationship is going to be a 2-way street. You'll need to understand her wants, needs, and dreams and be ready to meet those even as she comes to understand you and take control through your desires. Finding a domme There's no real difference between going to one of these and going to a social function when you're open to finding a new partner -- politeness and awareness of the other person are paramount! Frankly, if you walked up to a random lady at a party, backed her into a corner, and said hey baby, wanna go to bed with me right now?, you'd be lucky not to get slapped. The online equivalent of that is entering a room and saying are there any Dommes here? (or in Ohio, etc.) then messaging privately and saying are you male or female? (Actually, any private messaging without permission is usually grounds for being thrown out -- you have no idea how many men "hit on" the ladies day in and day out.) Let's say you're in a room, and you want to be successful. Talk with people, get to know them, and let them get to you know you (by more than just your physical characteristics and/or fetishes.) And while you're doing that, be honest -- too many Dommes have been burned by married men who won't admit it to anybody (including their own wives.) In time, you'll probably arrange to talk on the phone, or to meet someplace "safe" in public. From here on out, it's a date and a courtship. That first scene The relationship Conclusion I hope you will find what brings you joy, whether it be in a submissive
relationship or not.
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Page by: Raven Shadowborne © 2001 Graphics & Buttons by: Aylissa Cair & Raven Shadowborne © 1999 & 2001 |
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