Submissive Male in Society
Author: Bluedeacon
Filed in: submission, scene
Q: What does it mean to me to be a submissive male in this society?Good question. First thing that *does* come to mind, is, contradiction. This society has not gone through male liberation, and does not well tolerate submission as acceptable just yet, nor is it okay to wear or do/be anything that could be construed as feminine . For women, it depends upon who you are with as to whether submissiveness is desirable or not - with conservative groups it's the only way, but otherwise society sees a submissive woman and think she's been forced to it, but it's still generally more acceptable than in men. In addition, it's okay for women to openly wear obviously men's clothes. Men are still supposedly the 'head of the house', the dominant one. the 'breadwinner' - and in general this society seems to equate money with power and dominance - many men are threatened if their woman makes more, and if the man isn't threatened, then society acts like he should be. Roles are more open now, so for instance it's okay if the wife appears to be equal in power or pays the bills - but not okay if she seems to rule the house; it's okay for him to work for a woman, but not necessarily if he *wants* that; so I'm not sure that I'd go as far as to say it's openly acceptable yet. In addition, while men are being encouraged to be more emotional and sensitive, and to be more involved with their children, if they appear to be too much so, or too submissive they are considered henpecked, or a sissy.
It seems to me that most submissive men fall into two groups, those that balance being domiannt in one part of their life by being submissive in another, and those who are submissive at one level or another, through and through. The motivations may be spiritual - which for me isn't the case, I can't speak to it - the person may be seeking a father figure or a strong mother connection - like my mother and grandmother were strong people and were also more emotionally open than my father; some men may feel that women are superior to men (just as some men feel that women are inferior) and therefore feel that it is their place to worship and serve women; for some, the man may have been in the military or some other place where there is an enforced hierarchy with rituals, roles, and comraderie, where the person higher on the ladder is responsible for his subordinates but the person lower on the ladder is supposed to follow orders, and finds he needs or craves that. Sometimes a man just submits for the sheer enjoyment of it, if it makes him happy, and for others, he may feel a need to be controlled, or to need to be looked after/taken care of. He may well need to have a place to escape his situation, or who he is, and to be able to create a safe emotional haven from the world or from hurt with the one your intimate with, by creating a framework where trust develops and you can discuss the hurts and emotional issues in a nonthreatening way, and work them out. A submissive man may have a tendency to be able to put others before him and *enjoy* it, and may feel a need for intensity, a need to say, 'this isn't enough, what *exactly* do you want from me, do you need me to be', and then to actively floow that through, have it enforced . The catalyst, the thing which makes one realize these needs, varies from one to another, sometimes it's a person, perhaps a significant other, or it may be a situation, or his childhood, or one just may realize over time that he has always desired or needed it. My experience is that it boils down to primarily either a desire to provide service, which seems to be an intellectual response to submission, or to please, which would seem to be an emotional/romantic, from-the- heart response.
From my observations, I've seen submissive men who were clearly submissive to all, and needed to be protected and looked after - a former friend comes to mind, he was weak and scared most all the time, and was submissive enough that he needed someone there to make sure he wasn't taken advantage of. There are those I've seen who are not obviously submissive, but seem to get along well with all around them, and those who were very strong spirited, and whom you would never guess to be submissive, but were not dominant. It also seems that a larger than average number of submissives end up in a service oriented field, such as medicine, or in management. Society in general seems to see openly submissive men ( or those who stay home as househusbands) as weak, vulnerable, an easy victim. a loser, or as easily bossed around, a good dumping ground and target for negative feelings. There is a double standard in this society, outside of reigious organizations (such as priests or missionaries), that it is generally more acceptable for a woman to be in a service oriented field - such as nursing or childcare-and give of herself selflessly, perhaps leftover from the days of old, but it's not acceptable for men, unless that person is of power and it's 'philanthropy'. I suspect that many do indeed provide services to the community as a way to let out their submissiveness, but would not own up to being such.
To the contrary, if men were allowed to be freely submissive or emotional, and internal strength in men was not equated solely with dominance, perhaps there'd be a lot less angry men; when a man is made to feel that he is not allowed feelings, that he can't lose control, that he is not allowed to be soft or to please just to please, it can surface as anger, frustration, or depression, and he may well become abusive. Women would also have to shoulder the responsibilty here, I have seen many who would quickly condemn the average male as worthless slime, and wish their guy did more for them or worshipped the ground they walked on, or that the man doensn't do enough, ever, - yet the very same women would quickly condemn the same guy were he to be openly submissive or sensitive with them, or are not thankful for what they have. Quite often, a man is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't - if he's aggressive, thoughtless, or stoic, he might be called a caveman, or as being 'emotionally blocked'; if he shows his emotions or sensitivity, he is considered a sissy or a whimp, if he holds back or is passive, rather than being aggressive, he is accused of being uninterested or of showing a lack of confidence. In addition, women often use the gender card, and their dual roles as dominant or submissive, often changing rapidly, to get what they want or to 'get even', to punish men for their past history of dominating women as a rule, instead of living for the here and now, often making it impossiible to guess the rules or the right thing to do, and making the man feel powerless or inadequate. I would see one of the more positive aspects of being an openly free male might be that he could be openly emotional as well. He could selflessly serve his Lady, his family, or his community, strive to be pleasing or to please, and be admired for it, for a change, but women need to be able to accept this as well.
What does it mean to me? Hrmmm, I could say that in private, it means a chance to be more emotional, to occaisionally be able to fall apart, instead of always having to be the steady one, to be able to devote one's self to the pleasing and service of another for both person's enjoyment, to - with the right dom - be able to 'shrink' your world of responsibilty, to have a safe haven for your heart - to be able to show fear or hurt, to cry, to be able to say, that hurts me or makes me feel X way without retribution, or necessarily hurting the other person, by way of being able to discuss it openly and neutrally. Some benefits are the same as beng a dom, such as being able to discuss and possibly create a safe haven - except that as a dom you are doing so by causing the other person to become what you need; you can experience control, and discipline, put another before you, but from opposite sides of the mirror. In some cases, the submissive is considered to be inferior to the dominant, and powerless; but for me, a sub is the complementary opposite of the dom, and is powerful in his/her own right, and has just given that power to the dom to use for the dom's purposes.
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